Archive for October, 2009


Thursday, October 15th, 2009


My name is Trish House.  I worked on Staff in the Sea Org intermittently for 6 years from 1983 to 1995.

Like most folks I was underpaid during that time; most weeks I made $35 per week. I do have some pay stubs from later years I worked at AOLA.  I spent a year on the RPF after taking care of around 135 children from ages 5 to 14years on my own for several months.  I had them from the time they finished school in the afternoon till their parents picked them up at night after 11pm and all day on weekends.  One afternoon a couple of the older kids blew from course to go buy Halloween stuff and they were robbed at knifepoint on the way back.  I was on course at the time.  The mother of one, being CO CMO, was so furious that she had me RPFed for not being there for her kid.  She also knew the circumstances of my situation and a couple weeks earlier had promised to send me some back up staff – she failed to do so.  During my RPF stay I was paid $1 per day and time-and-a-half on Sunday ($7.50 per week).  I worked on renovating the Manor Hotel for a year.

While I was at AOLA I was promoted to an Executive Ethics Officer position.  My senior was terrified of executive authority above him and once became physically violent with me after I reported some bad situation in the org.  After I reported that he became 1.1 and penalized me by illegally removing me from post, cutting my pay, assigning non-enturbulation orders on false charges, black PR’d me to other staff and frequently assigned me lower conditions on minor infractions.  He also told me that I would get a non-enturbulation order if my then husband misbehaved.  I since divorced him.

Because of this senior’s heavy ethics many staff members routed out and after my Junior routed out I was left holding the entire Income Department on my own ( I was Dir Income at the time) with $250,000 of income coming in per week.  I worked 20 hour days and slept on the couch in the public lounge till I got ill.  Because I was ill and not on post one morning I was assigned lower conditions by Ethics staff and ordered to scrub walls overnight.  I refused because my stats were up despite losing a junior and so was refused permission to see my mother who was in town for a couple of days from Australia.  I went anyway.  When I got back I was given a non-enturbulation order full of lies which was published base-wide.  I chose to leave staff at that time.  I routed out standardly which took many months.  But I was left with a $75,000 Freeloader debt which I have refused to pay back.

I wrote many, many standard Knowledge Reports all the way up to the top of the Org Board to ED INT, David Miscavige who was COB and to Mr. Mithoff who was Sr. CS. INT.  Though I was finally able to get a Committee of Evidence (nearly 6 years later) which found that I was illegally removed from post no standard action was taken against the people who caused the suppression.  In fact the senior who violently attacked me and other female staff was promoted to a position of the senior Ethics Officer over the Pacific Base Crew.  Several years later he was declared suppressive for physically attacking several other staff and for yelling at his PCs in NOTs sessions.

I would like to get compensation for the years of unpaid wages and for the limited social security benefits that I am entitled to because these were also underpaid.  Is it possible to join the law suit that is attempting to claim funds from fraudulent Church actions against me?  I have a lot of the reports and also the Ethics Order from the Committee of Evidence.


Trish House


Thursday, October 15th, 2009


So I’ll start here by saying that I first took some scn courses because I had a boss who was an auditor and she and her husband (who had an anger management issue) managed a doctor’s office. The doctor was the overseeing doctor for a purification rundown in Sacrament, the husband and wife team were the case managers. I was the billing clerk and shared an office with her. I was married and just bought our 2nd home, and needed a job to pay my mortgage. My husband also had a raging drug addiction that was getting worse. The boss asked me if I’d like to attend a lecture at her church. She told me it was scn. and asked me of I’d heard of scn. I said not really, but that I’d seen the huge building off the main freeway in L.A. where I grew up. I think it is the 110. And I asked her “you aren’t talking about those phony born-agains are you, you aren’t like them are you”? She laughed and we made plans to go to this lecture at the org. My then husband and I. So we went, took a personality test”, went to a boring lecture and went out to dinner. And of course the test was to tell me how totally screwed up my husband and I were. (I kind of knew this anyway). The husband wasn’t interested and I think he was even high at the lecture. He was into a lot of pot, and that crystal meth stuff which eventually landed him in jail.

A few days later the boss asked me if I wanted to take a “communication course” at the org. And being the super curious person that I am I said yes. I was about 29 years old. My boss even paid for the course, at that time it was $44. The course was very very cool, especially the bull-baiting. I got bullbaited on farts. I laughed so much, I thought this place is great, they would go and find people who would sit in front of me and fart and fart trying to flatten my button. It still isn’t flat. During this time my husband was noticing changes in me, could not explain it, so accuses me of having an affair with the Div 6 Supervisor. Every time he’d call the house when I was late for course it freaked out my paranoid druggy husband. I thought it was funny and laughed at him. All this time I was now around people who were clean, no drugs and not drinking. This was great for me. I felt clean and like I was starting over anew. Turning over a new leaf. The course changed my life (for a while at least). I was ‘uptone’ and began to feel super happy and ‘keyed-out’. And I started eating a lot of vitamins. I started the purif right there in the office at work. And then everything was going in the right direction. I decided to get a divorce but my husband didn’t believe that I was divorcing him. I gave him an ultimatum and a date that he needed to be off drugs, he told me to get f***ed. I found a legal place and started the divorce. HE and our then roommate who lived on the sofa (one of his alcoholic and druggy buddies from work), moved out and into a motel together. They were a real pair.

I started spending a lot of time at work and finished the Purif. Then he got thrown into jail for possession. I found out days later when he asked me if he could come back and get off drugs. I set him up with the Purif reg and they got about $1200 from his parents to get him off drugs. So I allowed him to move back in and he got into the Purif. I even allowed him to not work so that he could concentrate on his life. Some scientologists even found a new job at a print shop owned by scientologists. He was no longer with the druggies at his old job. He finished the Purif and we were still together. Then he began TR’s and Objective’s immediately. He began getting really confused and had a lot of MU’s thrown at him. And he’d come home upset. HE felt like they were trying to make him look dumb. I realize he had really low self-esteem. And I found out his parents began a program of slamming scn. Eventually they succeeded and I remember they even drove out to where we lived (an 8 hour drive) and wanted to save him from the cult, calling the scn. “a bunch of cocksuckers”. He was right, but still, it didn’t help my husband. During this time I had a falling out with my boss after I didn’t want to take another course in scn. and I inherited a bunch of money from a relative passing away. IT was someone I was very close to and I was grieving over it. My boss would ask me to lunch and then try and reg me for the money for “the Bridge”. In hindsight I should have kept my mouth shut and told nobody about the money. Needless to say, they got none of it. And I got real mad at my boss for trying to take my money. As I saw it, it was my money, and I could to as I dammed well pleased with it. She even told the org who in turn sent the Div 6 Sup to my house one day to try and talk me into giving him the money. I made him a glass of iced tea and said “no”. Then the next day I went to the org and told him I didn’t want anything else to do with the c of s and to stop calling me. And that my husband is upset and that I am keeping my money. And I did! My boss who had also began auditing me by that time, was upset. Everyone was telling me it was my “reactive mind” doing all that to me. But no it wasn’t , it was my common sense and gut instinct that these people didn’t give a rat’s ass about me. And I began looking for another job and told a few co-workers I was planning to leave the job as soon as I found something. And being the backstabbers that they were, they told my boss, she fired me. I was out of a job, a mortgage to pay and a husband who had reverted back to drugs.

He then began socializing with a whole new bunch of people I didn’t even know. I later found out that they were a bunch of “born-again Christians”. One guy named Carl even worked at the local Christian radio station.

And he had met a 19 year-old girl too. But I didn’t find this out until months later. He was still living in my home and we were getting along, and his eyes were a bright blue. Bluer than I’d ever seen them before. Every once in a while we’d go to /a party of some kind of get-together and he’d be looking around for some drugs to snort. I’d get really pissed off at him. I felt like I was baby-sitting an adult child. I thought that he is clean, but still the same person. And he blew from the TR’s and Objectives course.

A few months later he was full on back on drugs, staying out all night and my life as I knew it fell apart.

I found a new job immediately at a billing company and it was part-time but less money than I made before. Many nights I’d come home from work late at 10 and my husband was already out for the night. I had late hours at that job. One night I called the radio station and got this Carl guy on the phone who told me that my husband was “friendly with” a young girl named Susie who was 19. I had him busted. But I waited a few days, came home again one night when he was not there and pushed the redial button and got this Susie’s dad. He told me he had a daughter named Susie and I asked if he knew someone by the name of Mark. He indeed did, and said Susie has a boyfriend named Mark. I told him that is my husband who I’ve been married to for 5 years now. And asked him where they were, he wouldn’t tell me. And I told him I was going to hurt her when I found her. He got upset and I got off the phone. 10 or 15 minutes later the husband rolls up in the driveway. I confront him and he denies it. That pissed me off, I started yelling about her dad Bob and what he’d told me. then he admitted to this other girl. I was crying and he left with a few of his clothes. I was about 30 at that time.

A month goes by and he has gotten his belongings out of the home and I am depressed. The then wife of the guy who regged my husband for the Purif calls me. She is telling me to come down to the org and just hang out and be around uptone people. I say no way. She continues calling me. By this time I have lost my other job and I am on unemployment and so depressed I won’t even sleep in my bed where I slept with my husband. And he has moved into a house with the 19 year old and is back on meth. And it never occurred to me that I have not finished the paperwork for my divorce. And this person at the org continues calling me. She is a friend because her husband and she lived in my home with my husband and me while I had that job with at the doctor’s office that was being managed by the auditor and her husband. They live with us for a few months, but the wife (the one who was then calling me) was crazy. So after about 2 months I am so lonely  desperate for friends after my divorce and split from my husband, and wanting to get a life, that  I decide to go to the org and get on course. They even allow me to do the course my husband started and never finished. And while I was on the TR’s and Objectives  I was approached by the man who later became a very close friend to me. But whose wife was a jealous and insecure ED. He signs me to the typical 2 1/2 year contract and I start filing in the folder room. I even read the folder they had for my husband and saw all the lies he was telling them about me. It was horrible. I found out that my husband was just so pissed off about me throwing him out that he only came and got on lines for that short time was to get revenge on me.

So I throw myself into my job at the org and my course as I always do when I am into something. I even find a new job that I can do in my free time and still be on staff, a job that pays my mortgage. Then I immediately get a roommate through the man who is married to the jealous ED. He puts his feelers out and finds me a roommate and a job, then another job. And I am turning my life around and I am happy.

The first post I am put onto is in the Tech division. The guy who is my senior is an auditor and he starts pursuing me. He has a girlfriend too. They live together. Eventually he leaves her and he moves in with the ethics officer and his wife. They are renting out rooms to pay their mortgage. So we go on a date and then we go back to my house and he rapes me. But I do nothing about it. Then the girlfriend finds out about me and the shit hits the fan at the org. I leave town and go to Orange County to get away. When I go back I get a call from the org and I go down there. I am getting questioned about this asshole. But the ED could not care less what happened to me. So when I tell the ED’s husband what my senior did to my leg (when he threw me down) he figures out what happened and then he decides to take me out of that division and they come down on him hard. I don’t remember too many details but just that this guy was on notice for what he did for a long while. And his girlfriend was trashing me all over the org. In retrospect I should have left for good at that point. How stupid I was. I did actually refuse to go into the org and the ED sent this jerk that manhandled me previously, over to my house to “handle” me. Again, I should have not opened my door. But I did. He basically told me that he is getting back together with the girlfriend and that I should come back and get back on course. I say no. He leaves.

Then I was pulled back in the org by that man Warren who over and over talks me back into being on staff during the 4 years I am there. I think I quit 3 times in total. I am put into Treasury and the Treas Sec knows all about the episode with the idiot who was my senior. And I do a lot of work in the Treasury. I even take work home and do it. Then this man Warren who is the senior for the PPO asks me to be the PPO and I say yah, since he has been so nice to me during all this turmoil. And he isn’t on the side of the jerk. So I go full full-time at the org and I start hiring people like they’ve never seen before. My stats are super high; I just hire everyone I see. One of the people I hired is still a friend of mine. I stay on that post for quite some time and I am still in my home and my mortgage is current, things are still good. Then I start hanging out with Warren who is married to the ED and she begins to get jealous and everyone notices us all the time. He was just a super nice man who happened to me married to the ED. We would go to the auction which is called a ‘swap meet” in L.A. and we’d sell books on weekends to wogs. Then my stats on my PPO post begin to fall and he replaces me with my friend and she never hires but 1 or 2 people. And all this time the EDD hates me for being such good friends with her husband. But she has her own stuff going on too. And they barely talk. He becomes like my best friend, but nothing physical. He has parents that are very wealthy and she has obviously married him for his family money I figure out. And he owns a lot of property and rents it out to staff members.

I start to spend too much time in scientology and my earnings go down and my mortgage gets behind then and things start to get bad for me. As soon as I loose my home I start to lose my self-respect and hate myself. And I am paying cheap rent to a landlord whose wife is the ED. I am “moonlighting” and on staff full-time and I am not sleeping and not eating much. Most of the temp assignments do not go permanent because I was too tired to work hard. But I make just enough to live there and be on staff. But I am miserable. And I now am on a post in the Academy, an admin post, but I am still good at that. This all happens within about a 3-year span. And then I get this roommate who was a crazy. She was on staff in L.A. and I allow her to live with me. And soon we are fighting, but I am not the only one she fights with. And she isn’t paying rent. I get so disgusted with everyone that I find a new place to live with a wog woman who owns a huge mansion and she charges me almost nothing to live there. My life starts to get better and I am doing better at my jobs and now I have some distance from the ED and the crazies around her and her husband. I live in that home for almost a year. And then for some reason I cannot remember, I move twice in a row. First to a scientologists rented house, whose wife has left him and I rent a room from him. He charges me cheaply also as I am on staff. So he is renting a house and decides to move and I have to scramble to find a new place. I go and live with this girl who is an on-again-off-again scientologist who is ‘out ethics’, on welfare and had 3 illegitimate kids. And her house is filthy. So this man Warren who is married to the ED of the Sacramento org, again says I can move to his little granny house next to where he lives, which is on a street full of prostitutes who walk around in broad daylight. And he doesn’t charge me much rent. And I am not at the org much at that point, just part-time. But I am seriously thinking of leaving.

I called one of my temp assignments where I once put in an application and they say to come in for an interview. They hire me as the typist at enough money to move out on my own. So I take the job, but I have to be at work at 5:30 a.m. But I do it because I need to. Then I start to get really depressed as I am next door to the ED and she is talking shit to me on the phone saying things like “are you flushing your tampons down the toilet”! I swear to God this bitch had the filthiest mouth and she stunk like a pig. (Worse than a pig, I like pigs better than I liked her). So I start to get super angry, but this time I have left staff for good, because the ED issues an interrogatory on me about gossip. Her interrogatory was to find out what I was saying about her to others. And I see this interrogatory in everyone’s basket and ask her what it’s about. She looks through me and gets up and goes outside to smoke. So that was the last night I was in the org on staff. I decide to move out and get the hell away from these sick people for good. But before I go I raise some hell. First I secured my new job and then my new apartment. I slept on the floor of my new apartment for about a week without furniture just to get into my new place. But before I go, I cannot recall everything in the exact order these events happened. But at some point I went down to the org and yelled at the ED’s buddy, a woman who was on a post in OSA and they issued a non-enturbulation order. And so after I got that I again went to the org and wrote knowledge reports on her. I think the reason she issued the non-enturbulation was because her book sales guy got too aggressive with a friend of mine who he dated and she told someone that he tried to rape her. And the police were involved. So I wrote to the book sale’s senior who was in OSA and told her what I thought of her and the book sales guy and the Sacramento org. And they were trying to quiet things down so they used me to put my “head on a pike.”

Within a week or so I shopped for a new apartment and put down my first and last months of rent. So once I moved to my new apartment and had my real job, I left and moved and began my new life and still had a few scientologist friends who would tell me the crap that happened after I left. I heard that the ED hung up the goldenrod copies all over the org. She tacked them up all up and down the hallways, every 10 feet so that everyone could see it. And then she began interrogating all of my male friends. She wanted to know whom I was doing a ‘2-d’ with. But I wasn’t with anybody. She couldn’t accept that I left on my own and that I am working and didn’t need them any more. She thought that, like her, I needed a man to support me. And when they found out that I’d already been at my wog job for about 5 or 6 months they finally just left me alone and declared me ‘sp’. But I didn’t know this for years and years later, that I’d been declared.

I wanted to say that the days weeks and months after I actually left that org were probably the most difficult. In that I lived on the property of the SP’s ED and the HCO guy who was the ED’s wife. There were a couple of older guys who I shared a small house with. One was an X-SO member who didn’t work. The other was an alcoholic artist, x-staff member. And I’d gotten a job immediately at a company where I’d temp’d while on staff. But the strangest things were happening. I think I was being ‘fair-gamed’ without realizing it. One morning I went out and looked at my oil and the oil level in my car was empty. Someone had literally opened the hood of my car and stole the cap off the oil pan at the engine. I was so angry and immediately took my car to the car repair and got it filled with oil and bought a cap. Then I also remember that when the call from my job came, that someone deleted the call from the company saying that they wanted me to come in for hiring. The reason I found this out was because I did a follow up call to the company and the manager said that she had left me a message. And the telephone was mine, and in my name. So they were fucking with me and my chance for an income to survive.

What I like about this was that they could not stop me. I endured, even though there were people who were actively getting in my way and putting obstacles in my way to hinder me. I moved on, and then moved out. As soon as I was away from the likes of those freaks I felt my life get better, instantly. Another sign that these were bad people. They were ruining my life. I’d finally had it. And they would not let go of me. But I extracted myself from them and walked away with class.

I really do think that these people, the ED and her husband and all the group of sickos who were surrounding her at that org were some seriously demented bunch of humans. I can say this for sure now. I had heard that the best revenge is to live well. And during that year I even earned enough to buy a car, one with a lock on the hood so they could not open it and screw with my engine. And I didn’t tell them where I’d gone. That was done intentionally.

I have no love loss for any of the people I knew on staff at that time. Absolutely none. I am sure that if I saw them in present time that I’d have nothing to say to them. I would laugh inside. I could not trust anybody while on staff and I still have issues trusting people, anybody. I had only 2 real friends while on staff. One guy’s name was Brian Anjo and the other was a girl named Tracey Neely. Brian is not in touch with me now, as we had a falling out after an email I received from him. In it he called me “insane” for writing him an email about Yahoo Astrology. What set me off was they way that scientologists will fling that word around. Saying that a person is “insane” so offends me. Considering that they are all insane, in context of what real insanity is. Tracy was someone I recruited off the purif, while I was the PPO. She trained to be an auditor. She lives in Sacramento and is still with her husband and family. They have a business together and she is not on lines now.

The way that org was set up actually created a feeling of no trust among the staff and low morale. As if I always had to watch my back, and with good reason, considering how many people came forward to trash me when the going got tough. Well, they got theirs. There is a saying “keep your friends close and your enemies closer”. After I left, I could see what that means.

Most of the issues I had while on staff were directly related to feeling so low without money and a good place to live after I lost my home. Stupidly I though that as long as I was “on purpose” and “on staff” that I would have a kind of protection from everything. But it’s the abuse and harassment that finally turned me away forever. While going without food for days, one cannot make decisions. I was always weak and felt vulnerable as hell while there. The long hours and abuse without food was a recipe for a breakdown. I recall that even months after I’d left, when I’d been in my own apartment and at a new job for a while, that I was feeling just really uncomfortable in a way that I never had before. Eventually the awful feelings went away, but never totally. I guess it was a symptom of my post-traumatic stress disorder. But I can still remember the feeling.

And I had so much animosity toward all the staff that I literally could not communicate with any of them without going into a rage. Once I somehow got some mail from a letter writer who used to be a ‘friend’ while on staff. Her letter said something like “you used to be staff, I don’t recognize your name.” And I ignored it. So then I began receiving mail and dissemination brochures that were laughable. One of the brochures I received literally said that there are “millions of people “flocking” through the doors of scientology doors every day.” And that if I don’t act now, that I will be left out of this wonderful thing. And then I actually got a bill from one of the stinking assholes that never bathed. His name is Denny. He had the nerve to send me a bill for my ‘freeloader’ debt. Then I wondered if they were harassing me. So I called him and told him that they should take me off their mailing list. And that I had gotten a huge IRS tax return check, but that I had no intention of sending them any money, and that I would be using the money for a down payment on a car, and I did.

I am not sure, but I think it was around this time that they issued the ‘sp’ declare on me. But I cannot be sure. Some time around this time I needed to file my tax return and I listed the c of s as a previous employer. I had not gotten my W-2 from them. The last post I had was Treasury and I knew they were behind in their workload. So I had the nice tax preparer at H&R Block to call them for me. I told him they were a cult and I wanted nothing to do with them any more so did not want to call them. He was more than happy to call them for me. He was one of those older, conservative types who was probably a person who owned his own home and had a comfortable life. I still remember him as he was so helpful. So after he got my tax stuff for me from them, I received another KR from an idiot at the org, writing about me not giving them my new address so they didn’t know where to send my tax stuff. And in that envelope with the KR, there was a Tech issue that was usually printed on the legal size paper, the one all about PTSness. Oh my God, that pissed me off! It was as if these nut jobs were harassing me still. Just seeing any church stuff on paper set me off. SO I called the LA ethics office and screamed at them about the idiots at the Sacramento org sending me crap in the mail. And I put that stuff back in an envelope, after tearing it to shreds, and mailed it back to them all ripped into shreds. And I got such a huge tax return that I put a down payment on a new car, not new used, but new to me.

I think I called that org too that day and got this bitch Krista on the phone as she then had my old post in Treasury and she tried verbally abusing me. Saying something about how I had a “wog” call them for my tax W-2’s. It offended me so much, hearing her call this nice man a “wog” in that vicious sounding tone I was so used to. I had not been around that verbal abuse in so many months. So when I heard it again, it seemed so inappropriate. So I gave it back to her too. And I wrote her a letter. They used to call my letters “poison pen letters”.

The thing that happens in a cult, not just scientology but others also, is that you get your personal boundaries violated over and over. Even the auditing in a way is a violation. In that the management ends up looking into your folder. I once saw my folder wide open on the ED’s desk in plain view. Looking back I see how wrong that was, her rifling thru my personal auditing folder for her own personal reason and just the fact that she had the access to do that, even though it was so wrong. The concept of personal boundaries is new to me. I had mine violated over and over. The idea of it being right or LRH tech to intrude into another person’s life, or to impinge on a person, is so wrong. It’s more than wrong. I haven’t a word to describe it at this point. A cult must intrude into a person’s personal boundaries in order to keep control of its members. I find that frightening. Saying “NO” to them was so difficult. They were so …….sick, insecure and thin skinned.


Thursday, October 15th, 2009


I , Tory Bezazian, declare as follows:

1. My name is Tory Christman Bezazian.

2. I am over 18 years of age.

3. I am writing this of my own free will.

The statements herein are of my own personal knowledge and if called up as a witness, I can testify competently thereto.

4. I got into Scientology in 1969 and left in July of 2000. I went there a young woman, hoping to handle things that bothered me, and learn how to help others.

Shortly after getting into Scientology I was recruited to join what is known as The Sea Organization. I was asked to sign a billion year contract, agreeing I would do whatever was needed to help Ron Hubbard and The Sea Org (from here on known as the S.O) Clear the Planet.

5. I was routed to the Bolivar (which was an old tanker ship) located out in LA harbor, where we were supposed to do ship’s training. This lasted a few weeks, and then we were brought back on land. While in the SO, one is given a place to sleep and food to eat. Since I had quit college to get into Scientology, writing my father I had finally found what I wanted to do in life, I felt I had found my new career.

6. A few months after joining the Sea Organization I realized I needed to re-order the medication I was on for Epilepsy. I was routed to a person they called the Medical Liaison Officer, or the MLO. This was a young man I was told was studying nutrition. He had no actual medical training that I knew of. He informed me that I needed to get off of my medication, and that he would write out a program to get off of it. In Scientology if you have ANY illness it is considered there is something wrong with you, not just physically, but that this is a very bad thing, caused by you being connected to someone who is suppressive to you. At least that was the beginning pitch I heard.

7. Being young and totally believing these people, I was ordered onto a “leave of absence” to get off of my medication. I found a place to live, and began my program. It consisted of cutting down one table by ¼ th. I never succeeded farther than that. I began having Grand Mal Seizures at home in the morning, out on the street by myself, and in the Scientology organizations. This was living Hell for me.

8. This went on for I think 3 months. I was losing my memory due to all of the seizures. I would wake up in the morning and try to dash into the refrigerator. Daily I would have a petit mal (small seizure), and come to with all of the vitamins spread out all over the kitchen floor. The lady I was renting a room from had two children. Constantly they would come in and find me on the floor, and yell “Mommy, Tory dropped her vitamins again”. This woman was one of the kindest people to me, and I will never forget her. Her name is Mary Jessup, and she was married previously to Nate Jessup. All during this time the Scientologists were very evaluative to me, and many treated me like a leper, but not Mary. She was always very compassionate. She had left Scientology some time earlier.

9. Finally one morning in the shower I knocked my front teeth out during a Grand Mal seizure. All during this time my mother was begging me to go back on all of my medication. Being new in Scientology, I assured her Dianetics and Scientology would handle this. Finally, after so many seizures and so much trauma, I realized no matter what these people thought, I wasn’t going to live if I kept doing this. At that point I decided to go back on my medication in full, no matter what.

10. I went over to the MLO and told him my decision. Now remember I really had my heart set on being a Sea Org member. This was what I wanted to do with my life. He assured me in no uncertain terms that now I was not fit for the Sea Org, if I needed to take this medication. He routed me to Ethics who informed me I was now considered a Freeloader, and they gave me a bill in the thousands for leaving.

11. After much arguing, I finally told them I wanted a pen and paper as I was writing Hubbard. He wrote me back and informed me I was not a Freeloader and that was incorrect. I needed to pay for the 2 courses I had then taken and “continue getting auditing in the HGC and we will see you up the line”. It was because of this that I so rigorously tried for another 26 years to handle or get rid of Epilepsy. Of course never did!

12. Once out of the Sea Org, I decided I needed to get trained to figure out why these people were so weird and insisting I needed to do something so stupid. I figured if I was trained I could then understand. I trained up to Grad 4 auditor, interned at Celebrity Center in LA. It was during this time that I met my husband, and in 1974 we were married.

13. I joined staff at Celebrity Center as an auditor. I loved auditing, and this was probably my happiest time in Scientology. I felt I was finally doing what I had come into Scientology for: helping other people. But typical of Scientology, they are always changing things. I was what was called a non-sea org staff member.

After about 6 months someone cancelled all NSO (non-sea org) contracts, and once again I was let go.

14. As bad as this was, AOLA was hiring NSO staff, so I went over there. I audited there until I was about 8 months pregnant, at which point I left staff to have our son.

15. I attest to what at that time had come out as “natural Clear”. Now Clear is supposedly where you have perfect memory, no somatics, and etc etc. I had a horrible memory, and of course still had Epilepsy, but somehow it was indicated I was natural Clear, and I attested. This later came to haunt me, as I never really felt like I had achieved the state of Clear. Later, after I left, I found out this is common amongst many people who had attested to Clear. There really are not any Clears, per the definition. But Scientologists get around this with …that was only on your FIRST dynamic (related to self). DUH~ errrrr, are there pains I have that aren’t connected to me??? Well, Hubbard covered that too.

16. OK….I did up through OT 3 and I will say I had huge wins on this level. I will explain how this worked FOR ME. I think it is very different for each person, but this is how it worked for me. In my teens as I have posted, I was looking for truth. While looking, one day I started having”Petit Mals” (or tiny seizures), and later a Grand Mal Seizure. Now doctors to this day don’t really know what causes seizures, and certainly not me. However, I did know for me a Grand Mal seizure felt like I had died. When I would return, I would have absolutely no memory of anything, and I had often wondered if I had sort of died, and then returned. Now I am reading the OT 3 info, and Hubbard mentioned while getting close to these incidents, HE NEARLY DIED!!!

17. To the average person this may seem like a huge leap, but in Scientology you are sort of taught or brought along early on to make these leaps. So with that in mind, suddenly I realized why I had this horrible thing called Epilepsy! It wasn’t just some physical condition as the doctors had tried to tell me early on. It was due to theses things called Body Thetans or Clusters (groups of Body Thetans or ‘BT’s who were stuck to me). This was an amazing revelation for me and excited me greatly. If you have ever seen a Grand Mal Seizure you are familiar with their overwhelming power and uncontrollability. The force was amazing to me and I used to wonder all the time, what could POSSILBY have caused all of this? Suddenly I had what I thought was the true answer! Before I continue, Please let me say that this was one of the worst things for me in Scientology. People were ALWAYS asking me if I had gotten rid of Epilepsy? It was horrible, as it is assumed it is not physical, or even if it is, Hubbard says all physical problems are caused by the spirit… thus assuming one SHOULD be able to “fix” it. Finally, at last I had found out why. So even though OT 3 is completely weird and a space opera story…I was so ready for ANYTHING, that this filled the bill. If it nearly killed Hubbard, the master of all everything, why not give me Epilepsy? See?

18. Actually on OT 3 I had great wins, or successes. Each session I felt like I was getting rid of the cause of this thing that had stopped me from doing my life’s work (Clearing the planet in the Sea Org). Also, I was now finally going OT I thought. OT is a state where you are supposed to be Cause over Matter, Energy, Space and Time. That is what the original definition stated. So if I were to achieve OT, I would be done with Seizures, one would think.

19. After attesting to OT 3, I once again tried to get off of my medication, only to end up in a hospital with status epileptus, or many seizures. I finally went back on all medication, and have stayed on it, and have never had a seizure since.

20. During this time, 1979, when I was doing my OT levels, we had moved to the Clearwater area. I was asked by Milt Wolfe, an executive in OSA (the Office of Special Affairs who handles legal and PR) to help them. A man named Richard Tenny was the City Commissioner of Clearwater and was trying to run for Mayor. He had a full program called “Save Sparkling Clearwater, Stamp out Scientology”. Milt explained to me that they (Hubbard and Scientology) had come there on a lie, saying they were a different religion than they were. He told me Hubbard was going to land in the south, but found out the FBI were there to plant drugs on his ship and arrest him, so they came to Clearwater in hiding. It sounded real to me, as I had been filled with storied of how the FBI were always trying to catch Hubbard. (The justification for this was the AMA. See, Hubbard discovered a way to cure people for free: Dianetics. Since the AMA were just money making, horrible Doctors, they were always spreading lies about Hubbard to squash him. Thus the FBI was after him. This never rang totally true to me, because not only was my Grandfather a doctor who I loved dearly, but also Doctors had saved my life).

21. But wanting to help, I was right there to do whatever. This was the beginning really of a 20 years career with OSA as a volunteer.

22. It was my “hat” or duty to go around and talk to people, go to meetings and try to get the attention off of Scientology, and try to get rid of Tenny.

23. I spent months talking to people, promoting Tenny was just anti-religion, and going to meetings asking him “why does Clearwater only have one fire station,etc etc” Anything to get the crowd off of Scientology.

24. The end was he was voted out of office in a landslide, and we all celebrated. I didn’t feel I had hurt him, as I honestly felt he was a person who was doing something very bad, trying to get rid of my church. At the time I had fully bought Scientology was a “real” religion. Most people I knew were anti-God, but I secretly always talked with God, and secretly felt I had some angles who helped me. I had been there after the FBI raids when we turned into Ministers over night. But somehow it always makes sense.

25. I continued to assist OSA in many different projects, including getting rid of CAN, or the Cult Awareness Network. Once again I had been thoroughly indoctrinated at how bad these anit-cult people were. Never did I even consider Scientology to be a cult. This was pure propaganda they had created.


Thursday, October 15th, 2009


I studied my first Scientology course in Nice, France, next to Antibes, which is my home. I entered the mission with my best friend Eva, whom I was forced to disconnect with, as her mother was a ‘squirrel’. The Nice mission was filled with hard working, incredible people whom I instantly respected and felt a connection with. All of them were uptone, and honestly stellar humans. I right away ( at age 16) signed up for staff and became a basic ( book one) auditor. Because I was in the French equivalent of high school, I had no free time, and only worked occasionally. However, I went to Saint Hill for an event and ended up signing a Sea org contract. I needed to get away from the alcohol driven life I was living, where both of my parents were attempting to control my life to an extent I could not take. I was under tremendous pressure, so joining the Sea Org sounded like a great way to start over, where my family could not control me.

I joined the SO at about age 17, and completed the EPF program in 3 weeks. I was given the second highest position on base (apart from CMO) called the D/LC for Estab, which was Div 7 of CLO. I had an amazing boss, who to this day I look at as a hero and leader. He took an insane amount of verbal abuse from CMO, who were constantly over his shoulder, screaming at him or pestering him.  He would treat me calmly and with respect. After about 8 months, I was promoted to FLO as a writer; I was told that I would be writing the LRH biography and was chosen to go uplines to CMO Int. Within one week of arriving at FLO ( note: I was so keen on being there, that I had gone to great lengths, including having regged someone for over 50,000 dollars so I could have a replacement…long story), I was so utterly destroyed by the negativity that permeated everything and everyone, I ended up ‘blowing’. First of all, FLO is under tremendous pressure to monitor and raise the stats of all orgs worldwide. They have no lives. They have no ‘first’ or ‘second’ dynamic. They are ( mostly) cold, hollow people who are shells of what they were when they first did that basic course. From the almost evil supervisor I had, to the dentist, people would scream at me, for no reason at all. It was sheer insanity, and NOTHING like what I had seen at Saint Hill, where policy was not followed properly. I had to leave for my own sanity, and fast. The worst part was that I was living in a shitty, dirty and tattered room on Hollywood Blvd. where one of my roommates was to some degree mentally ill or severely screwed up in some way. She was in her late 40s, and would one moment be kind to me, the next snapping like a mad woman. This was, funny enough, common behavior. Being an artist, I realized in that short duration of time that I would be taken down if I stayed. I knew I couldn’t do it.

When I left, I was threatened to be declared, but my Senior there was a kind man who wanted me to get through things. As a public, the abuse continued, but at Celebrity Centre, which is by far one of the most strangest orgs i have been to. The staff there had would stare at every public if they were degraded fools to be preyed on. They had no respect for public, and would insult them nonstop. Cassie, HCO, and of course David Petit would reg the hell out of everyone. CC is the regging center in LA, because of the actors that go there. Everything from buying 50 copies of battlefield Earth to buying a total strangers course had been thrown in front of me. Because my job in the SO was as a recruiter ( and I am trained in business, to a degree) I can only be swayed if I see it is integral. But others could not, so no line was drawn, and if you didn’t pay up, you were essentially insulted behind your back.

I was the VM IC for LA at CC. I regged my own non Scn mom for the funds. I was a hard core helper, and my help was abused. The staff ( save a few fantastic people, one of whom is Fiona McNally, who was later issued a Non Enturb order and threatened) are absolutely in covert hostility or no sympathy. They do not care about you or your marriage. They have SUCH pressure to reg you, or recruit you.

So, to the next part. I was such a hard core giver that I became friends with many staffers at CC. I trusted Cassie and the staff. I decided that I may want to join the SO again, but was hesitant. One day Cassie shows up at my door, and I tell her that. She tells me we’ll do a drill: I pack my bags and go, and if I still feel like it’s wrong, I can leave. this sounded fair. I arrived at CC and it still felt wrong. My gut was just aching to get out of there. In walks David Petit. Now David Petit is a very hateful human being. He has sheer hatred for gays, and days earlier, told me he had done a clay demo with a man giving another man a blow job and as the Supervisor was sort of ‘what the hell is this’, he said the demo was showing an SP or whatnot. I believe David himself is gay and will not admit it, and has never been able to accept it or something. Anyone who meets him and hears him speak can tell he seems gay, but yet he expresses such hatred towards gays.

When he saw me, he literally had a psychotic break, and I am not joking when I say that. he was violently shaking, calling me a ‘stupid bitch’, an SP, and pulling out policy to ‘prove’ I was an SP, all so he could recruit me to join his team of auditors. It was insane, and deeply scary. I was so stunned and shaken I said I would join, just to get out of that room. I went to the berthing place, slept the night there, and told the EPF IC I had never finished routing in and was leaving, which I did.

There are sick individuals rarely mentioned, and I want to mention them. One is David Petit, as I mentioned. The other is the head of PR at CMO UK. I have forgotten his name, but he is in the Orientation video, and he used to be a fireman. He had moments of being a really unique, charismatic mad who believed he was in an ethical group, but would snap at my senior so quickly. He was scary, and I believe is still there. CMO is where many of the power hungry go, and they abuse their power.

Though my time in the SO was not horrible, there were abuses that i did not notice. I was paid under 20 quid a week usually, and shared a room with about 8 people. I had an expensive necklace stolen, and no one helped me find it. The food was appalling, and barely edible. Staff NEVER got auditing, and I had to pay for my Purif.

Another abuse is a death that has gone undetected. I will mention the name of the killer if you contact me, but not here. A boy whom I was trying to help was insane, and both his Scn parents deeply wanted to help him. I lived with him and his mother for about 2 weeks. He always told me about voices in his head telling him to hurt people, and he badly was trying to restrain himself. His father reported him trying to attack him. He went to get the Int rundown in Paris, California, and sometime later, came home and killed a man. This poor, poor boy, who we all believed would be cured, took a life because he never got any help. Scn let him down, and his victim. This is what it does.


Thursday, October 15th, 2009


(This was about 14 years ago now). 1992-1995.

I’m so TIRED of holding this and other stories silent for ALL these years, this is downright insanity to FEAR them!!

When they were supposed to be the ‘answer’ to all problems and the salvation of mankind? Huh?! NOT!!!!

I started out as Mission Staff training to be the PES for about a year, then it folded and I moved to the nearest Class V Org (Miami) and started out as DPC (Dir Pub Contact) in Div 6A and met my Senior (later became my hubby was the PCS. (Public Contact Sec)

For the first year, we loved our jobs…loved the idea of helping people in this deep, eternal way, you know?

We felt so special and elite and different from the ‘wog’ world.

We worked with good people around us. We loved nearly all of them.

Our PES was like a surrogate mother to us, helping us settle in…

she even found me a job.

So at first, I moonlighted and was Foundation staff, as was my Senior.

My Senior was also my ‘Buddy’ and helped relocate me to MM (abrev for Miami) and help move me and my things into my tiny, nasty cat-spray reeking studio apartment a few blocks from the Org.

We loved the acting ED we had at first, but he was just filling in for the Hitler-like  beady-eyed ED, the nice D/ED and Exec Esto (I think that was his Post) who all came back from OEC/FEBC training in all their glory…and fire.

Then, things got real serious and high-pressure real quick…..

We were ‘persuaded’ to come on Full, Fulltime (you say both ‘fulls’ to mean working both Day and Foundation hours) to ‘Clear The Planet’ faster, etc…(so we worked from 8 am to 11pm-12am)

We started working 76-hour weeks, making an average of $70.00 a week the entire three years we were there.

We had to run everywhere on post, even in place if we were standing talking to New People, etc.

A few times, the entire Org Staff in full-dress wear were made to run around the block and Org during the day and with lunch-rush crowds around us. We got many strange looks.

We had dress inspections, had to stand at attention, and At Ease in Musters..(We were NOT SO, nor was it run by an SO ED…). We had to address our female ED as ‘Sir’ at all times.

Our nerves were wound up tighter than tight and all of us had frazzled, haggard, desperate looks on our faces….

A typical day for me was: I’d get done from receiving a yelling/degrade from one of my Seniors, then walk around the corner with the happiest, widest smile on my face for the New Person waiting to get their Test Results or Session from me…. and be routed onto the best Tech on the Planet!

The poor D/ED was so pressured to help the Divs get their Stats up…we’d be squeezed into small rooms lined with long tables, with phones in a row and do call-in boiler-room style.

Don’t take your finger off the hang-up button between calls, no pauses except to go the bathroom and you better run while doing that or else! And no dinner, till you had certain quota of appointments, too. etc, etc.

A mere few months later, the sweet D/ED was found nearly dead in a car he rigged to fill up with carbon monoxide.

He was then after, ‘Babysat’ ‘Watched’. He was physically prevented from several other suicide attempts. Finally he was audited out of the key-in and was removed off Staff lines and offloaded into the wog world….I hope he’s still ok. We liked him!

When our Stats were down, we were insulted and yelled at constantly and literally looked down at.

By this point, I performed most Div 6 functions (called ‘Running The Front Line’), some times, alone. Mainly due to being so understaffed and Seniors being in meetings all the time, or New People would come in during our dinner and I and my 6A Senior would stay thru dinner, grab a quick bite while the rest of the Org was in Staff Muster, then back on Post.

I also quickly became bi-lingual as I’d excelled at Foreign Languages in school.

So I was frequently used as a Translator for other Reg cycles, etc.

I actually loved this part, since languages was one of my passions and I viewed the opportunities as a free school to excel further in it

Yet as a result of that and being upstat most times, I was forcefully removed from my post in Div 6A and made to become the DPR (Dir Pub Reg) in Div 6B.

Me and Senior hated this and fought it all the way. I was mostly upstat and a very willing person to do Div 6 grunt work, that many others didn’t want to do. He didn’t want to lose me. He was a good Senior to me, too. All in all.

Well turns out, I performed both Div 6A and 6B posts…again, many times by myself.

I, myself body routed anywhere between 50-100 people a week. Usually around 60-70 was my average.

I’d body route the person in, grade the OCA, eval them, audit them their Free Dn session, then Reg them. Most times in Spanish.

(I was not a very good Reg in either language though, as not very many people signed up…maybe 5-10 per week from me, about 40-50 for the week by all combined).

The fact that so many New People walked back out that door after I worked so hard to get them in, would hurt.

Course, I know it was MY fault, and was often crammed, was routed onto the Pro-Reg course, did Vol 0, etc..and was better, but still stats weren’t ‘where they should be’…(they never are, eh?

Yet the hurt would run even deeper….I’d ruined their chance at Eternity, you know?

Try sleeping peacefully each night after every day like that!?

After being in Div 6B, I’d talk more often about Leaving to my former Senior.

But during those particular months, he was happy with his job (I was too before I was jerked out 6A)and dutifully talked me out of it.

(Along this time, me and my 6A and 6B Seniors all moved in as roommates in a house of a Public who’d moved and allowed us use of their house.

I was usually upstat on my post, and one time due to this, I was ‘awarded’ by the ED, a trip to an outer Org to complete my Student Hat that I was mid, and retread Vol 0. Now since I was within 6 months of finishing my 2 and half year contract, I had to sign a new 5 yr one before I could go on this ‘upstat awarded’ trip. I didn’t want to sign it, yet was told by HCO to sign it now then we’ll ‘talk about it’ when I got back..yes I’m gullible aren’t I? Well of course, the stupid thing was binding, and there we go. The trip was also charged and I have that added onto my FL debt. (What an ‘award’ eh?) The whole thing was a ploy between HCO and ED to resign me, nice.

I was at CLOEUS for three weeks. I’d finished both courses in checksheet time, loved study and was a good student.

The Sup wanted to keep me and train me further, on the SHSBC.

My Org wouldn’t have that.

So back I went on Post after my plane fare was reg’d from a Public.

I liked the people I’d met at CLO. I can’t remember their names though.

Regarding SO interactions with our Org,

We had several SO members at our Org, there were a really nice couple of SO members who worked on our CF project. I saw one of them again when I visited CLOEUS. He gave me a huge welcome Hug!

We also had several SO Missions come to the Org and stay for months at a time to grab any Org Staff and Public off our lines onto the SO.

One of the Recruiter’s name was Pierre, he had a heavy accent, I remember that.

Then other SO’s would visit and they’d be so militaristic and just BARK!

There was this one girl who’d visit for setting up certain events, and she was MEAN! But there were many nice ones too.

Ok, onward here:

During our years on staff, me and my former 6A Senior started dating and became engaged.

Months later, we were married by the PES in the Org’s new Div 6 Course room (not even finished from the 2nd Reno done on it. We had to beg Nettie, head of the SO reno crew to let us marry in it) on New Year’s Eve day, PRECISELY so we could get out of going to the New Year’s Event each year!

We had to save about two months of our salary just to afford our scn infinity symbol silver wedding rings! (still have them, but wear different wedding set now).

Our wedding pictures look sad…as we had serious, unhappy-looking expressions on our faces! Maybe I’ll show them here one day.  It was due to barely getting that day off Post to even be allowed to get married!

We spent our Honeymoon at a local cheap hotel down the street, paid for by my parents who were at the wedding, and stayed in the room next door.

(Everyone was busy on Post, plus hubby was shy and didn’t want a bunch of people there).

Then we were back on Post on Jan 2nd.

For our honeymoon present from my parents, they paid for us our own private studio apt less than a block from the Org, this was perfect since we had no car…regrettably, we had to move out within 3 months due to having no money to pay the rent, utilities, etc. We had to move into yet another shared house with two other roommates.

Financially life was really difficult.

Some weeks, we’d receive no pay at all. We only got money from either selling Dn books on the street (keeping the book money instead of turning it all into the Org like you’re supposed to, yet intending to pay it back, HONEST, we just wanted some money to eat food with….

When we did have a few bucks, there was a deli in a nearby grocery store, and for a cheap lunch, we’d go there and get their thanksgiving-style meal deal, and luckily the nice deli clerk would PILE the food in a takeout container and me and hubby would GRUB it, and then make it last for days! Neither one of could afford to lose any weight, so it was actually a hand-to-mouth kind of existence, food wise!

Sometimes at events, we’d grub from the food for the Public, that was cool.

Other times, when we scraped together money, we’d munch on Cuban beans and rice dishes, cuban bread and cuban appetizers called ‘Empanadas’ (like a small calzone filled with meat).

In many ways, Staff life was much harder than Sea Org life, because SO had a bed and food provided for them, where as we Staff had to work AND somehow pay for our food, an apartment or a room with others and pay our share, etc.. this was nearly impossible to do..unless you were a cutthroat Reg (Div 2 Reg maybe?) and/or sold books like crazy to everybody that walked!

(Commissions). But SO’s lived their lives in 24/7 where as we had a few hours of privacy/sleep, I guess.

We never did get enough sleep or rest, though. I was frequently told to wear makeup due to my dark circles and pale skin.

Most of the staff lived on strong Cuban coffee and cigarettes.

(I was one of the few Staff who did not smoke).

I was/still am an airy-fairy sort of a person/Staff member and always did the grunt work as it were-so I was oblivious to much of what went on as far as Office Politics….since most of my Post was spent outside, down the street on the corner, body routing. These times were some of my only free times, alone, free to walk around, browse in some of the shops nearby, etc…this was before cell phones/Net, btw.

Ok, fast forward to the night we blew.

I think it was on a Sat night. We got off Post around 6pm. We’d just finished moving into the tiny room of the house we were now sharing with two other roommates, also Staff.

I was in the middle of receiving Auditing and was actually starting to settle into Staff life and not thinking about Leaving this night…..

Hubby was MAD due to getting into it with the FBO and the EO about something. He patiently waited for me to finish my rare fiction book I was a couple pages away from finishing. Then….. we ‘went for a long walk’ that night to talk.

I’d wanted to leave off and on for a good year, but kept being talked out of it.

Anyway, he explained to me the story that broke the camel’s back for him…(his story is on this thread) so the decision was made by both of us to leave.

Our hearts never quit pounding from that moment onward…lasting at least a week!

And BAM, phone calls were made and an instant flight was arranged for THAT NIGHT by loving family (You know THAT cost a pretty penny!).

So the next step was getting out of our house silently.

Remember we lived in a house with other roommates (also Staff).

We packed what we could in suitcases and left everything else (furniture that I loved, clothes, etc.)

A cab was called and we waited in tense silence in our tiny room for it to arrive, praying none of our roommates would notice or hear anything.

Once it arrived, I was the first one to sneak out into the hallway with my large suitcase. The pounding of my heart was so loud, I’m surprised that didn’t give me away!. I was literally sweating bullets! Amazingly, the hallway and the living room to that front door, was the LONGEST, most INTRICATE journey I’d ever made…and I had to do it SILENTLY and QUICKLY with this HUGE suitcase, by myself!

Hubby had to stay behind in the closed room while I made the what seemed like hours-long journey….amazingly, I didn’t bump it into anything and nobody came out of their rooms.

I was outside.

The cool night air smelled fresher than ever before.

I looked up into the Night Sky.

The stars were sparkling and winking down on me, as if to say:

‘You’ve done it, You’re FREE, GO!’

Then hubby sneaked out, it felt like FOREVER, then the front door was opened…for a second, my heart stopped.

Maybe it wasn’t him! Maybe it was a roommate come to get me and turn us in!

But it wasn’t.

It was my honey, out safe and sound, too.

We didn’t even glance back as we were whisked away by the cab to the airport.

I was so scared, I thought maybe the cab driver was a Plant and would any minute turn around and take us back home or to Ethics!

We got to the airport and boarded the plane, after a HORRID few hours wait-time… constantly looking over our shoulders.

I can’t believe how like Fugitives we felt! Like we were criminals running away from the Police, Jeez!

We got to our destination and into loving arms.

Thank GOD hubby didn’t get any of his family (nor mine) into Scn, Thank GOD!

We literally huddled, shaking, on the floor of the living room for hours when we arrived, staring at the front door, expecting a knock, for ‘them’ to take us back.

After we calmed down and could breathe again, we WALKED MILES to a nearby mall just to stay extroverted, fearing EVERY car on street whizzing by us, was ‘them’ following us….lol.

Yet the utter RELIEF was indescribable, you guys.

The SCENT of FREEDOM from the 80 hr work-weeks. The starvation, the ethics, the crazy things we were made to do for our Post or Org, etc. staying up till 2am being told how scum we were by our ED then come in a few hrs later to work etc.

In the days and weeks that followed, phone calls were made to our place and at first they were told we weren’t there, etc.

We could ‘feel’ that they had us ‘tailed’ and we were right. Because a few weeks later, they knocked on the door.

We were such paranoid sissies that we both hid from them till they left.

They even looked through all the windows looking for us! Hubby was hiding in one room and I was in another.

It was soooo humiliating for us, but we were not ready to face them, nor did we want to go back.

Well a few days later somehow we were convinced to let them in and they audited us in our bedroom, one by one.

(We were both in the middle of different auditing actions at the time we blew).

They convinced us to go back and route out standardly.

*STUPID thing to do!*

We rented a car and did so.

On our way back to MM though, we made a very important stop…we went to visit my two young children (from my previous marriage to a non-scn, before Staff)….that I’d left over three years earlier and who were living with their father and stepmother.

Pics of those and that story is in Our Children thread.

But they actually remembered me and we spent a few precious days with them. (They’ve been in my life ever since

Well: Not only was the route-out cycle MUCH longer than it should’ve been, but it was VERY expensive AND we ended up keeping the rental car too long, so long the rental company was calling us every day to bring it back!

We FINALLY got out of there after THREE WEEKS of paying for a weekly hotel, rental car fees and penalties, countless, pointless Ethics cycles, etc.

I lied some of the final F/N’s just so we could get out, so did my spouse!

All in all, a very stressful, dreadful time.

We were assigned ‘Confusion’, dubbed degraded beings, Freeloaders and informed we would die ‘out there’.

What a lovely send-off after all we’d done for them, eh?

That last night we were routing off: Hubby and I were separated in different rooms and lectured at for over two hours.

My tiny room was FREEZING and I had a short-sleeved shirt on.

I was SO cold, that I was seizing!

I huddled my arms inside my thin shirt to no avail.

The OTV, L’s Comp didn’t care, NO!

(Come to think of it, very few OT’s we’d met were glowing products of what $300,000 grand could get ya)

I just sat and stared at this supposed advanced, powerful OT’…

every single person was being listed to me, how every other Staff/Public that left and died, or got cancer, divorced, couldn’t get any job, etc. all because they left Staff, or weren’t active Public!

The whole time, I was shivering so bad and trying to keep my TRs in to the tirade.

I kept screaming things at the person in my mind and waiting for the person to read it.

Oh, Come on, You’re OT V, L’s and you CANT even do something as simple as READ MY MIND and you WANT ME TO STAY?!

I felt sad for this person trying to get me to stay.

But mostly I was severely introverted and trying to keep warm and control my convulsions.

Maybe it was also nerves that were causing me to do that.

They also tried to make my spouse leave me there and not take me back by telling of some long ago mild out2d withholds.

It didn’t work. But they tried. THAT was hell, too!

And you know WHAT? After ALL this, we went back home…made new lives, yet STILL considered ourselves dedicated (though unworthy) Freeloader Scientologists and went to Events, helped out at the Mission near us, etc!!??

WELL: A few years ago, my spouse got up the nerve to read stuff on XenuTV about the OTs that left. I was very reluctant and scared to, but finally did it.

For a long time even while reading this stuff, my mind still ‘justified’ the data and stories! (well they had heavy case, had MU’s, etc, etc.)

But it still kept me thinking…I wasn’t yet ready to ‘get out’.

The info of scn was just TOO good, spanned over one lifetime, etc. to ‘give up’.

After all, if I DID give it up,

THEN WHAT? You know? I mean, I’d die and that’d be it. (vs what scn promises you about having OT knowledge and powers, no forgetters, etc..)..

Regardless: About four years ago now,

We actually took the plunge and decided to read ANY/ALL OT level info on the Net!

WE personally were SO scared, that we were gonna DIE upon or immediately after reading it, that we actually made a hand-written Will for the person who’d find our dead bodies….before reading, it.

We still have them to this day, LOL!

We actually both read the stuff at the same moment sitting in each others lap, in case we died suddenly, we’d be together! LOL!

Well needless to say, we’re still here, (anyone still believe the church’s crap that it isn’t the ‘real’ stuff or else we would’ve?) and ever since then…. we LEFT and are OUT as of heart, mind, soul, etc.

Since then, I’ve accomplished MANY goals…

One of the things I’d done was:

I missed making a big impact on others’ lives (or wanting to)….so I remedied that.

I became a Gestational Surrogate for a couple that couldn’t carry their own child.

Their son is now almost three years old.

And the moment my hubby and I watched that couple hold their biological baby in their arms for the first time,  *happy tears, happy sigh*

I now work a job I love, and hubby and I have owned a successful business for many years now.

We still get phone calls wanting our FL debts, etc.. but we’ve told them ‘We no longer consider ourselves scientologists. They just say ok. And still call constantly.

And we still get our mailbox FULL of JUNK from them!!

I’ve even emailed them to take me off all their emailing/snail mail lists. They ignore me.

Ah well: That’s more of my and my spouse’s story.

We’ve also since realized that there is no such thing as an ‘evil SP’ in the terms the Church described. I mean, just because we’re ‘out’ now…do we now hate people, want to hurt them, steal, maim, pillage?

No! We still LOVE people, love being kind, helpful and we are happier, more successful in our lives, too?!

*gasp* Where’s our damnation?!

I do have a dear friend that’s still in and we talk regularly and this friend knows I’m inactive and all, but not HOW inactive, lol)

I’d hate to lose this person, but if I end up getting found out/declared soon..then so be it,

Sad that you have to be this way with this ‘wonderful, helpful loving religion’ eh?

Craziness, huh? Utter craziness!

Edited to add: I look back on this story and realize how victimy and whiney it sounds.  And I do know that the people who came to recover us were most likely doing what they thought was right and kind to us as thetans, blah, blah, blah.

But bottom line is: the treatment of Staff/SO/children in this religion right there, proves its built on lies. All head and no heart.

We’ve since realized how worthy we truly are. (despite the guilt-trips from Staff, Leaving, etc).How much more successful we are in life and most of all: How KIND ‘wogs’ are to us, hugs and more hugs to my friends here, and to Anon.

Thank you for reading my long story.


Wednesday, October 14th, 2009


The following are my experiences in Scientology during my involvement from 1984-1990 & 1995-1999. When I first entered in 1984, I had read a copy of Dianetics that my then-roommate had given me, since he could not follow it, but it actually made SENSE to me! OK, I’m weird, sue me! (Well, I AM a big Sci-Fi buff that probably had SOMETHING to do with it!). But seriously, the engram theory seemed to explain a lot to me (If ONLY this were actually true and not the rantings of a deluded madman). It was as plausible an explanation I had encountered at that point to explain why the human race behaved as it did. Plus Hubbard’s declaration of humanity being inherently good and not evil was also refreshing.  I had moved only a few months prior to San Francisco from Los Angeles, where I was born and raised. For reasons that aren’t particularly relevant here, I never cared for L.A. and never got along with my family (which was one of the primary “ruins” they promised to handle).

It took me weeks to get through the Dianetics book, and walked into the local org shortly afterwards and was sold my first intro course, “Success Through Communication.” I was unemployed at the time, and could barely afford it, but I liked what it was saying, so I went for it. After completion, I got my first sales pitch about the bridge, and was impressed by what was being offered, but still could not afford any of it. A couple of months later, I chose to go on staff, but only two weeks later, during an auditing session, I was told since I had seen a psychiatrist as a teenager, I was “out-qual” for staff, had to train to Class V auditor, and petition ED International to be allowed to train and receive auditing.

Well, back to the sales pitches! While I was waiting for a response to the petition, I had secured a low-paying, entry-level job with the federal government, so I at least had the funds to route onto the “Ups and Downs in Life” course. A few of the more hard-core members sniffed their disapproval!

Since they believed that ALL government agencies were “crawling” with SP’s and that I should find another job. In the meantime, I was still struggling at the bottom of the bridge. I did a few more basic courses (the Student Hat was probably the one I enjoyed the most), but I was also constantly being pressured to drop out of school and to borrow money from every single human being I came in contact with and to sell my saxophone, flute and extensive record collection to pay for services. (That was one thing I NEVER succumbed to. My music and finishing school was just too important to my sanity, though I was slowed down considerably.) During this time of course, I was told that I was not making progress due to having overts and withholds, so I had quite a few ethic cycles.

During that time, I first witnessed how isolated most full-time staff were from the rest of the world. There was a black gentleman I was on course with, and we began chatting about Apartheid and Nelson Mandela before roll call. The course supe caught part of our conversation and she stated she had never heard about either of those things. This really surprised me, as there was really a lot of activity in the anti-apartheid movement at that time. However, it did not take me long to realize how out of touch most Scientologists were, and this too was a key element in my eventually leaving since I never bought into their demands to stop watching TV and not to read newspapers or magazines.

Like a lot of people who get involved with cults (I knew nothing about cult phenomenon or Scientology’s status as a cult at the time), I was at a low point in my life, had just made a major shift in my life with the move north, and had a lot of hurt and pain about family and relationships. One way or another, I was looking for answers and a way to heal and move on with my life (I was 27 at the time).

I was born and raised as a Jew, though my family was not particularly observant and I spent a few months as a Christian in 1973 due to the influence of a !

Then-next-door neighbor who was a fire-breathing fundamentalist. By the time I graduated high school, I was convinced that ALL religion was evil bull shit and that every Christian and every Jew I met was a hypocrite (I know in retrospect that is a harsh viewpoint, but that is how I felt at the time). I had also developed a deep distrust of politics, organized religion, organized medicine and big business by that time (I was as bitterly opposed to Reagan’s presidency then as I am to George W. Bush’s now). So although I was not cognizant of it at the time, I was easily susceptible to Hubbard’s paranoid rantings. (THIS is the part that I hope some people will see in themselves or relate to in some way. I was far from the only person who was convinced that the majority of the country and even the world’s major institutions were failing or crumbling. Many of the conditions that Scientology inveighed against are REAL, but their “solutions” are NOT!!)

His presenting himself as a persecuted humanitarian initially resonated with me as well, as our country does have an unfortunate record of silencing those who speak truth to power, but of course it would be years later before I realized the depth of his lies.

The absurd amount of money involved in crossing “The Bridge to Total Freedom” seemed excessive even in the first months of my involvement. I reluctantly swallowed it as they claimed that this was part of their doctrine of “exchange”, and more importantly, it was needed to stave off constant battles with psychiatry, organized medicine, big business and big government. Although I never completely accepted their wholesale demonization of psychiatry, I had witnessed firsthand examples of psychiatric abuse, so this helped placate those objections.

By now (late 1986, the petition cycle took about two years), my approval finally came through to start the Purification Rundown, and approval to train and audit to Clear.

But the C/S also stipulated that I had to get a notarized agreement to send uplines that I would never sue Scientology, or sue or harm a Scientologist. I did not understand the need for this, but since I paid my money and was ready to go on this cycle, I went ahead with it. (I later learned that they were so freaked out about the psych history, that I would have to petition Flag to be allowed to set foot there, and only when I was ready to route onto OT VI.) It was virtually demanded that I stop taking any medicinal drugs, as I was taking Phenobarbital for epilepsy. This actually did not concern me that much, since I don’t have gran mall seizures that often, and I was sick of the side effects from that drug or Dilantin. Plus, the registrar assured me that epilepsy is “handled” on OT III, and if not, then FOR SURE on OT V. I was also pressured into joining the Sea Org, but was also classified “out-qual” since I had taken LSD. (I would only realize much later, that this policy did me a HUGE favor!).  I have to admit, that I did feel better when I completed the Purification, but then got into a dispute over having to pay for the Objectives, as that was supposed to have been a part of the HQS, but I was not allowed at that time to do them, pending approval of the petition.  But even AFTER approval, the “illegal PC” hung around my neck like a scarlet letter. The majority of my Scientology experiences involved training, very little auditing.

By spring 1987, after I completed the Purification Rundown, I was short on funds, since I did not have a well paying job, and I already had two loans out. I was being pressured to buy an E-Meter, and managed to find a used one (a Mark V for $500) being sold by another public terminal. (During that cycle, I found out how hard CoS discourages outside materials sales, as it “undercuts” the org). I was still becoming more frustrated, as I had had some Dianetics auditing on and off, with no gains, release, cognitions, etc. I was told I had an “occluded” case, which would have to be handled by a Class VIII auditor (again, something WAY out of my price range). Meantime, I paid for an hour of FESing (Folder Error Summary), to make sure an auditor had not bypassed something. Since money was too tight to lie out for another course, I was pressured into taking the Dissemination course, which I started, but never finished (I just could not bring myself to “sell” Scientology to every human being I met, as I was having more and more doubts about its effectiveness). Plus I did one extension course.

Then came the pressure to pay for IAS membership, an E-meter, books, tapes, etc. This got to be overwhelming, but hearing about course “wins” kept me intrigued. But there seemed to be so many contradictions early on, like the fact that every public terminal was always being prodded to make more money, and even though I was working, since it was for the feds, this ALSO added to my “illegal PC” status, since the federal government is “crawling” with SPs, and needed to find a new, better paying job.

About two years later, I met the woman I shortly after became engaged to. They wanted her too, of course, but when they found out she worked for the IRS, BOOM, she was an SP and I became PTS. So of course, I had to do the PTS/SP course, and they kept telling me I needed to break up with her. We DID eventually break up, but this was due to the fact that my primary source of enturbulation was my still working for the Federal government. The ethics officer talked me into quitting my job and flying from San Francisco to Hollywood to work as a painter for Sipro on the Hollywood Blvd and Gower building they were renovating to become the new Scientology west coast HQ.  Before I knew it, was landing in Burbank Airport, and whisked away to my temporary “home” on Hollywood and Mcadden, above the Scientology testing center. I shared a small room with two other male Scientologists. There were some Sea Org members living in that building as well. We worked all day, got our breakfast and lunch free, and then were paid each Friday evening, and of course, lo and behold, there was a Sea Org registrar handing out our pay, and trying to get us to spend all of it on services. In the meantime, I was introduced to a new FSM, and routed on to the PTS/SP course at AO. Talk about a steep jump in gradient! You got a 2-second “comm lag”, before they would flunk you on a word, and then you HAD to RUN EVERYWHERE! Every second is production! After 3 months being in L.A., I decided to resign before the building was completed, as I’d had quite enough, was not able to complete the course, and wanted to make things better between my fiancée and I. But after 3 months of working there and being on course at ASHO, she dumped me the day I got back home.

From early 1989 to early 1991, I worked at a number of low-paying jobs, mostly working for Scientologists. One of them was a photo-copy business owned and operated by Scientologists. (My favorite story from this period was one of the managers actually read Dianetics to a broken copy machine to rid it of its engrams!) He was a complete asshole to his employees, always had a shitty attitude and paid us chump change. After I had been there for about 3 months working my ass off, he came in one day, tapped me on the shoulder, told me the stats were down and to go home. That was his way of firing me, no other explanation or showing any sense of appreciation. PLUS, when I got my final check, there were 3 hours that fell outside of my second to last pay period, so instead of bundling the remaining hours for the final paycheck like most employers, I actually had to wait two weeks and travel across the bay from Oakland to San Francisco to get a measly $20 check!! I only bring this up to point out that Scientology employers tended to be the worst motherfuckers on the planet to work for. Does this surprise anyone? Probably not!

In 1989, I managed to borrow $5,000 to pay for training. Less than 48 hours after it posted to my account, half of the money was diverted, without my knowledge or consent, to ASHO. This not only pissed me off since I was not living in L.A., but it was used for the Tech Volumes (minus vol. 8, which I never received), and some other materials I did not order. Even though the Tech Volumes were needed on course, without the courses actually being paid for, which is why I borrowed the money to begin with, I, of course, could not actually use them. When I complained to the ED, he told me that ASHO is a senior org, and can do whatever they want with a student’s money. AGAIN, a stop! PLUS, before I left for the last time, I was told I would have to dump the old tech volume series and buy the entire “new” series in its entirety before I could route onto any of the auditor courses. MAJOR BS STOP!!!

And in the late ‘80’s, someone started a campaign for students and PC’s who did not own homes or have mega-credit lines to go out and find someone and convince them to take a second or third mortgage on their homes. The rationale, of course, was that if you were REALLY a friend or you REALLY cared about me as a son, daughter, niece, nephew, whatever, you would care that I go up the bridge and help me in trying to create a better world, etc. This turned out to be one of their biggest PR nightmares and biggest pre-internet foot bullets. The backlash was ENORMOUS and my org never brought it up again, and moved on to other schemes.

Also around this time, an ASHO reg tried bullying me into selling EVERYTHING I own except my bed and clothes. He sternly admonished me “are your possessions making you saner or a better person?” I said no, so he said “GOOD! START!” as in begin cycle. But I walked away thinking “Hell, no!” My bridge progress was still important to me, but not SO important I was going to get rid of what I DID have and worked HARD for!

In late 1990, I met a new girl friend who agreed a few weeks later to loan me half of the approximately $20,000 she was getting for re-enlisting in the army reserves. An outgoing deadbeat roommate “3rd partied” this cycle, but not before the registrar caught wind of this and talked me into writing a “postulate check” for $11,000 to pay for a class V training package and a couple of auditing intensives. My girl friend disappeared for a few weeks, and since I had no way of making good on that kind of money, the Flag FBO at the org took over the cycle, and she was flat out the single biggest bitch at the org, whom NOBODY could stand, staff or public alike.

She claimed I was a financial criminal and an SP, and since I worked for the federal government for more than 3 years, she also claimed that I was stealing money since there were always down time on this job so she wanted me to write O/W’s for EVERY DAY of the 3 ½ years I worked there. When I looked at her in stunned amazement, she just said “end of comm.”, walked away and said I was an insignificant flea who was going to be expelled and declared no matter what I said or did.

I fell into a deep and profound depression since I felt at that time that my eternity had been robbed from me since I still wanted to go Clear and OT. The start of 1991 was an intensely painful period in my life, as my father was dying of cancer, my new girlfriend found out she had ovarian cancer, I lost my job due to corporate downsizing, and had no less than four roommates from hell in a row. Did a single person at the org try and find out how I was doing, or get more than simply a one-sided story from a psychotic bitch? Hell, no! All I got was standard promo in the mail, not even a letter from the EO. The one bright spot in ’91 was that I got involved with Nichiren Buddhism, which I am still involved with to this day. (I recall, among other things, Hubbard’s “Hymn of Asia”, which was among the attempts to link Scientology as the modern heirs to Buddhism). Would that it could be so. The people I met when I got involved in Buddhism were the type of people Scientology would LIKE for people to think they are like!

However, I still felt I had some unfinished business with Scientology, and went into the org in 1995, demanding a refund for the money I spent. Luckily, I talked with the org Chaplain (Jack Spears), who was a very nice old man and much less harsh or punitive as the Ethics Officer. Although he told me a refund was impossible, he did tell me the FBO and her husband, who was the day org Executive Director, were no longer on staff. (Even though they were both guilty of financial crimes, they were never comm eved or brought up on charges since they were both high stat terminals). I decided I wanted to get back on course on a limited basis, and did an exchange by working in the Central Files cleaning up and arranging the folders for $10.00 an hour in exchange for courses. I did this on a very limited basis, working on the files when I could while I finished the remaining classes I needed for my AA degree at a local community college. Anyway, when I got back on course, I was being pressured to re-do the purif, (which I never did do, thank God! I’m dealing with a damaged liver from the niacin overdoses from the first time on it as it is) and I was told since I had been away for four years, I HAD to do retreads on the Student Hat and the PTS/SP course. Now mind you, the only other major courses I had completed the last time around besides these two was the HQS (Hubbard Qualified Scientologist) course and the Hubbard Personal Ethics and Integrity Course (and remember what I said previously about Hubbard naming EVERYTHING after himself?). So after ten-plus years, I was getting more and more perturbed about my lack of bridge progress by having to do two courses I already completed.

But about three years later, the exchange policy of non-staff working in the org for course time was cancelled (they of course wanted money only for courses). This REALLY pissed me off, since I was NOT interested any more of paying for these ever-escalating costs for courses. (Even the cost of the course packs escalated from $20 to $125). I came to the org less and less and finally said to hell with it in 1999. A LARGE part of me leaving for good the second time with NO intention of EVER returning was surfing the internet, and finding critical sites, ESPECIALLY Operation Clambake!

Even though I was getting more and more disgusted (long before I returned to the org in 1995) with so many damn stops, escalating course costs and abusive staff members, it was the promise of OT kept me coming back. I had been on the AOLA mailing list for a number of years at that point and had even found someone in LA who sent me some Advance magazine back issues, and I just could not get over how AMAZING these OT wins were!

But since NO ONE ever posted their real names, just their initials, before I left I began to wonder if these were not ALL lies! And if so, who was writing them? OSA, another division, WHO? Or were these just delusions from people who THOUGHT they experienced these things? I mean if they were churning out all these OT’s then WHY were conditions not improving in the world? We still had illiteracy, crime, poverty, war, etc. etc.

In the meantime, I was also becoming more disgusted at the way they treated their staff members (a few had been on staff for almost twenty years, and STILL had not reached Clear), the less than safe and clean conditions in the basement where Central Files were kept and staff muster was held; the VERY unsanitary conditions in their make-shift “nursery” for the staff who had children, and the endless PR about how psychiatry was evil incarnate.

I never had a major “blow” when I left. I just walked away, changed my phone number and ignored the junk mail and mass-letter writing campaigns from the academy, BEGGING me to come back and get some more major “wins”.  During my inquisition and healing period (1999-2001) I found a lot of info online in addition to OCB. This included making a phone call to Tory since I was still quite paranoid at that point of cult retaliation (Thanks for putting my mind to ease Tory!). I think the final nail in the coffin was a few days after 9/11. Even though I had not been in the org for about two years, something told

me to call them and get their take on the terrorist attacks. SURPRISE, it was psychiatry again! I just told myself FUCK THIS SHIT!! With Scientology it’s ALWAYS the same old crap!

Oh yeah, and when the 10-volume Mission Earth books came out, every Scientologist was expected to read all of them. I was never particularly impressed with Hubbard’s fiction writing, and never bought any of them. But at least one staff Scio tried convincing me that the books were not just fiction, but “hatting actions”, and I needed to buy and read them to help me handle life. This was another indicator of just how brainwashed some of these people had become. For whatever reason or reasons, I just never 100% bought into all of Hubbard’s “solutions”, and thus it was not a particularly wrenching decision for me when I finally told myself I had had enough. I realize that everyone who WAS in had their own reasons and their own cognitions and “moments of truth” or clarity that led them to leave. I am just VERY glad that we ARE out and not only would never dream of returning, but do what we can to make sure others do not make the same mistake.

Which leads me to something that happened just a few months ago: I was on the bus on the way to work and someone I see every day and always speak to told me she was considering checking Scientology out. I told her I used to be in and it would NOT be a good idea, then gave OCB URL and told her to decide for herself. She was already a bit wary, so it did not take much convincing, but I am just glad I was there to share some experiences with her.

Finally, I had a real spiritual high and personal breakthrough one night in 2003, which is a bit too complicated to go into at this moment, but at the end of that night, I thought to myself “and I did this WITHOUT Scientology!”, and LITERALLY fell of the couch laughing my ass off!

REAL FREEDOM comes with being able to make your OWN decisions and follow your OWN path. It does NOT include regging, ethics cycles, sec checks, listening to

boring lectures from a madman high on speed or disconnecting from family and friends. The more people realize this, the better off we will be as a species.

Larry (4truth2)


Tuesday, October 13th, 2009

With the release of the new BFG Book, we have updated the web site as well.


A few of the new additions that are part of the site are the escape stories of others. We will be constantly adding these to the site as they are submitted and reviewed.


We also will be migrating any of the original BFG posts from other sites and hosting them all here.


I am going to start linking to other sites that have proved useful for those who have escaped and need information or resources to get back on their feet.


Anyone who has talked to or read anything from people who have escaped, knows that there is a an entire vocabulary of terms that are not readily explained in any one place. We have started a glossary where several terms are explained.


I have been contacted by hundreds of Scientologists thanking me for telling what I know and I helping them to solve the mysteries they have been experiencing over the past decade. I have updated the contact page so that anyone can send me a message securely and not have to worry about whether or not I am getting it or not.

We hope you like the new site and we also hope it proves useful to those who need information on what to do next.

Until next time…