STORY # 3
I left Scientology the first time in 1990, when I realized that there was “something dangerously wrong” with the Boston Org. At that time, I assumed it was a local phenomenon, and that there must be an undetected Suppressive Person high in the ranks of the Org.
I remember feeling extremely alone, and afraid to talk to others about how I was feeling. In the ethics book, I had been shown many times that talking to others about your desire to leave was a Crime. I had been warned repeatedly that I could be Declared Suppressive, just for communicating what I had to the ethics officer who was “trying to get me out of lower conditions”.
I tried to talk to my then-wife, Nitza about it, but she complained to another staff member, and I was told not to enturbulate her, and in effect told that my relationship with her was no longer MINE, but the Church’s. I actually ASKED for Security Checks, because I KNEW that the only reason I could be having these thoughts was that I had overts against the Church. The worst thing I could think of, however, was having sex with my wife in the Church, furtively, a few times. Or the crime of masturbation, which I was told was “out 2d”, and restimulative, to boot. Finally, the truth was, I had stolen about $.75 from “the coffee fund” on a few separate occasions, in order to be able to afford a slice of pizza at a local joint called Despina’s, on Mass Avenue. To me, this failure to “contact” any stronger overts or withholds just showed how bad off I really was. Clearly, I was “not-ising” the worse things in my memory. But I had some sense, still. I reasoned that if the tech were so perfect, how come the auditor couldn’t “pull my withholds”, and get me out of the condition I was in? It never occurred to me that I simply HADN’T DONE ANYTHING WRONG. Not for many years. I was no longer receiving pay, as my condition assignment was continually in “lowers”, which means between confusion and liability. The answer, I was told, was to find out who I really was. When I asked what this meant, I was asked if I had not understood one of the words. I looked it over. “Find out who you really are.” Nope. I was fine on the words. I was asked to demonstrate the concept. I could. I put one block on the table, saying it represented the real me. Then I put a collection of other small objects on top of and around this (paper clips, rubber bands… a demo kit), and said they were false concepts of who I was. Then I removed them all, and pointed to the block representing me, and said that was who I really was. This passed. But I still didn’t understand how I was supposed to do that, outside of auditing. This received a wink and a nod. That was when I “cognited” that a being was in ENEMY, until he was audited to the point where he knew who he really was. And I was led to believe that I did NOT know who I was right then. Man was I confused.
This situation went on for months, until, through a combination of food deprivation (no money), relationship stress, lower condition assignments, and the utter FAILURE to find any more overts or withholds to write up, I finally realized that something was seriously and dangerously wrong with scientology, and with me, since I couldn’t perceive what it was that was wrong.
I told my wife then that I was leaving, that I couldn’t take it any longer. She was about two months pregnant with our first child, at the time, and after weeks of my being away, she finally rejoined me. But I was pretty much a shell of who I had been. I knew I was a Suppressive Person. I knew that meant I was a criminal. I knew that I was responsible for “denying my wife her bridge”.
And for about eight years after that point, I continued to believe that there was something seriously wrong with me, because I didn’t trust my perception that there was something wrong with Scientology. Who the Hell was I to make such a claim? The problem is, Scientology and Dianetics have very many strongly workable techniques to enhance a persons abilities and perceptions. I continue to believe that to this day!, as I continue to get gain from auditing. Knowing that, and being overwhelmed at the incredible potency of “The Tech”, I was unable to think clearly about some inconsistencies and problems.
These inconsistencies lie primarily in the Organizational philosophy, called Admin Tech. Even a lot of the Admin Tech is very workable, and intelligent in its design. The problem is, the people at the top of the orgs (including Hubbard himself), have always ignored these policies when it suited them to do so.
And now, the Auditors in the orgs, who are really the only defensible reason for the orgs to exist, have learned to not look at the inconsistencies in application. They are afraid of losing their certificates, their social position, and maybe even their minds if they voice objections too loudly or often. And so, these guys lose their integrity, and become Sec Checkers, in the end. They may audit some high paying pc’s on regular scientology, sometimes, but the bulk of their work on staff members seems to be in Sec Checking, which keeps people aligned with “Command Intention”. (By the way, this was not the original purpose of Confessional style auditing!) Thus, they end up selling their souls for the right to control the souls of others. It is really sickening, and it is what is wrong with Scientology.
Thanks for reading.